This weekend, I listened to a broadcast of a new show, Invisibila, on public radio. The program was about how we think about thinking, and about dealing with dark thoughts. Very interesting.
I generally think that I work to much and socialize too little for a healthy balance. And it’s not that I’m so passionately wrapped up in my work that I just forget or don’t get around to the social part of my life, it’s more a combination of certain tedious parts of my work taking up too much time, and a fear of dropping the ball and losing a job. (Although I never lost a job when I was clinically depressed, I felt close to it because of how poorly I functioned, so there is a fear left over from that time in my life.)
Related to this, I had a little experience the other day that brought me up short. I stopped by a local coffee shop to grab a muffin on my way to do some work. No one was expecting me at work, no one else was even at work, I just needed to get this item done some time that day. At the coffee shop, I ran into a friendly acquaintance., and the whole time I was speaking with her I was feeling anxious about getting going and needing to get this project done. About half way through the conversation I was really really noticing myself doing this. Wanting her to wrap up the conversation, wanting to get to away from the conversation, although the conversation was pleasant and I was interested in it.
This is not how I want to react to friendly social encounters!
I’ve been having regrets about a decision that was leading to lots of lost sleep — that annoying frustrating monkey brains of stewing and trying to figure things out that really gets going as soon as I turn out the light. (So I don’t get enough sleep, which leads to a more poorly functioning brain, then even more monkey brain and stress! AARGH)
In this kind of situation, I normally pull more and more into myself, and wait until I have really worked things out in my head before I even mention it to anyone. And as I feel rather foolish, I have very little desire to have anyone else see how foolish I was! However, I have talked about this with several people (who’ve been supportive) and it is interesting how that has reduced the worst of the night time screaming brain. It so easy to believe that I am protecting myself by isolating, when really the opposite is true!
From the weekly share your world challenge:
Do you prefer shopping or going to a park?
I would definitely prefer the park. Especially a park that is large enough to have hiking trails!
If you were a shoe, what kind would you be and why?
I guess I’d pick a leather hiking boot. Strong, sturdy, comfortable, gets to go outside. . .
What’s the story behind a time when you got locked out?
I remember finding an open window and breaking into the house of a friend when another friend and I showed up and he wasn’t home. It sounds awful, put that way, but it really was ok!!
Do you prefer eating foods with nuts or no nuts?
Well, it depends on the food (I don’t put walnut in my mashed potatoes, or pistachios in my chili), but I’d go for with nuts.